Maternal Guilt: Inevitable

I've never had trouble feeling guilty when doing things that I felt were important to do for my children, but taking care of myself even when they want me not to sure does cause me some difficulty.

Today my 11 year old came to me tearfully to ask if he could accompany me to my grandmother's funeral. My husband and I had already made the decision for me to go alone for several reasons which include an out of state trip, not very good accommodations for our size family, my husband's work schedule, finances, my daughter's pet sitting gig which is ongoing during the time we'd need to be gone, and so on. In addition, in nearly 17 year of parenthood I've never gotten to visit with my mom, siblings, or extended family without my children around. Not that having my children around is a bad thing, but I have been looking forward to doing some visiting that is all adults and without me having to constantly be doing or thinking about doing for my children. Meals, clothing, sleeping arrangements, entertainment, supervision, etc. all take a lot of energy. I was already low on that, and grieving for my grandmother doesn't exactly energize me. Nor will a 13 hour drive to New York.

So it all makes sense. I'm going alone. The kids are staying home.

Except that I have a tearful little boy that loved his great grandmother and feels that he would like to attend the funeral.

And then I feel guilty. Perhaps I should be willing to do the extra work to give my kids this opportunity. Perhaps nothing should stand in the way of every family member making the journey to the funeral and participating. Perhaps I am too selfish to not want to have to play whack-a-mole at bedtime while trying to stay in my uncle's smallish home with 6 other people.

I could say yes to this one child. Except that there is no way that would be the end of it. Other children would want to come as well, and next thing you know I'd be on the road with the back seats full of squabbling children asking how long til we stop at Cracker Barrel. (ask me how I know. I took three kids with me to visit my grandmother in May. I'm glad they got to see her one last time, but it was an experience that left me saying, "Next time, No Way. I'm going alone."

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In trying to explain to my husband that I just need a break, he says he understands, yet doesn't really seem to accept it. Once again I find myself wondering why it is that it is not automatically taken for granted that normal, healthy, decent, good, loving mothers and wives would also like some time off. When a single person or pair of childless yuppies wants to get away from their normal life that is seen as normal. When a mother wants to get away from her normal life, she is seen as "wanting to leave" her family. What the heck is up with that?

My husband actually said to me, "I'll try to figure out how to help you get some more breaks so you can get away from us."

Don't you just love the passive aggressive message embedded in there?!

(I will give credit where it is due: He called to apologize and said that he really did understand. I will try to believe him.)

It is crap like this that causes me to remember that it is no wonder that mothers suffer from depression, exhaustion, and similar ailments. So many messages tell us that once we are mothers we are on lock-down, no longer free to care for ourselves without a hefty price tag of guilt. It makes sense to me that I, like so many others, have gotten to the end of my rope at times. The whole thing turns into a warped scene where you can't get a break unless your life literally depends on it. (Hopefully your break won't need to be at Shady Acres. But it might.)

I have been thinking a lot over the past couple months about being a warrior as a mother. Fighting for what is best for my children, even when it is costly, frightening, and exhausting. I've done it. I do it. I will continue it.

For the past several days I have been looking toward my grandmother's funeral and have been thinking of needing to be a warrior to speak up and offer a tribute worthy of this amazing woman who has meant so much to me and our entire extended family. I may stand up there and cry like crazy, but I'm unwilling to let the opportunity go by.

Today I am thinking that at some point I have to be able to stand up with confidence and be a warrior on behalf of my own needs. Yes, it always has to be couched with wisdom and the realization that once you are married and a parent your life is never really your own any more. But I know that there have got to be ways for me to care for myself without having to get to the end of my rope. It will help me be a better version of myself, and better for everyone that is in my life.

And still I feel conflicted about saying no and driving away solo...

Great Love Still To Come!

Today as I was remembering so many things about my Gram, I had the thought that it is amazing to me to think that I have not yet have met some of the people that could love me the most in my life. Grandchildren are still a long way off for me, and I found it very exciting to think that more great loves will come my way in life.

My Mother, My Hero

My mom is an incredible woman for many more reasons that I am going to recount tonite. What I do want to say is that she has done an amazing job of caring for Gram in her home for the past several years.

It isn't easy to have other people in your home for an extended period of time. My mom has not only had her elderly mother's care to consider, but helpers to hire, fire, and deal with constantly, while running her own business and working full time besides, and then coming home at night to take over the care herself.

Elder care is a tough gig no matter what. Add in varied health problems, and a large side dish of dementia, and you've got a real challenge. My mom has handled a really tough situation so well. I am very proud of her.

It isn't always easy to do what we think is right or best. My mom has been committed to keeping Gram at home with her unless it became impossible. There has been a large cost financially, emotionally, physically, time-wise, personal-comfort-wise, and probably every other category you can think of. It has been a tough tour of duty. I understand it, though, because I would do the same for my mom or other loved ones as well. Some things in life require the warrior in us to show up and stay fighting for a long time.

I have been concerned about my mom for awhile now. Her schedule is beyond busy, and her stress load has been very high for a long time. I am praying that things will soon settle down for her and allow her to experience more peace and rest.

(photo of my mom and gram from a few years ago)

Tears, Memories, and Blessings

My Gram passed on during the night.

Thankfully my brother, who had been in China for a year, returned this week and was able to get to see her last night and be with her right to the end. He told me about it this morning when we talked on the phone. His care with her pain management, peaceful music, and his comforting presence make me certain that he did a wonderful job seeing her through to the other side.

My Gram was sick for a long time. There have been many times that I thought she would not live long. Every time I have spent time with my grandmother for the past many years I have been mindful that it could be the last time. I have been thankful for every visit, every phone call, every hug and kiss.

Several years ago Gram was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and we never knew if she would really know us any more when we could visit or call next. Yet she always did, which felt like a double blessing every single time. One more Christmas! One more birthday! Always a bonus to have a real visit with her.

My grandmother has been a constant presence in my life and has been very important to me and my family. Every one of my children has gotten to know her and have memories of her, which I think is really wonderful.

My grandmother's circle of love didn't have limits. If we had a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, or anyone else around they were embraced by her kindness. And if it was at our family Christmas Eve dinner, she would quickly stick some money in someone's hand and send them out to the closest store to get some gifts for our special guest to open, because she never wanted anyone to not be included in the festivities. :)

It is hard to imagine life without my grandmother. She has been a constant. And constantly loved.

Random Proof that I Do Not Totally Stink, and some possible proof that I have not completely lost my blogging mojo

Since I vented about some of my shortcomings last night, tonite I will toot my own horn a bit.

Good things I did last week:

Took kids to VBS 3 nights

We got our pool set up and I did lifeguard duty every single day since then

I took my kids to the county fair even though my husband was unable to come with us (We tried to go together on his night off, but it was raining, so I took them the next day solo)

We had a family movie night, and I resisted the temptation to leave the room and go do something else

I played board games and cards with my kids

I stayed up late with my daughter two nights because she seemed like she wanted the company

I created a pretty area in the front of our house with two wicker chairs, a table, and some potted plants (much better than the junkfest that had previously been in that area)

I continued my no-sugar healthy-eating plan last week even though it was very hard to do so

I continued to do my 3 mile workout with my friend Kim

I pressed on to obtain much-desired birthday gifts and made a very happy birthday come together for my 11 year old

I discovered kittens under our deck (neighbor cat that thinks it lives in our yard) and shared the secret with my 13 year old daughter



Today has been better in my brain, and I have made a lot of domestic progress, which I needed. The kids swam. I did a boatload of weeding in the garden and yard that desperately needed to be done. Everything looks so much nicer now, and I am thinking of ways to beautify the place. We were blessed to get a nice new shed last week, which is significant because we have no garage, and previously only had a rickety old 3-sided lean-to barn-type structure way at the top of our hill which was never very good for the kind of storage we needed. For 9 years of living here we have not had proper storage space for tents, bikes, lawn mowers, large tools, garden tools, outdoor toys, our pool, etc. We have had A LOT of stuff stuffed into our house, and a lot of stuff in our yard looking very junky. It was fairly much impossible to improve, even when we downsized how much stuff we had, and tried to get the kids better at parking their bikes in certain areas of the yard. Now it all has a place to be put away, and the yard is so much more pleasant. We are also gaining some space in the house, which is great just for the visual relief of empty space, or at least less crowded space in some areas.

About 3 years ago we created a brick patio out of free bricks that we got. (We still have a bunch, too! What will we make next?!) Up until now this area has largely been relegated to a parking spot for every bike, toy, and deflated soccer ball in our back yard when mowing was needing to get done. Add in a few empty water bottles, soggy paper plates, abandoned socks and winter gloves, broken wooden swords or water guns, stray legos, etc. and a plethora of very strong and tall weeds determined to live in the cement jungle, and you are starting to get the idea of how this has been looking. U-G-L-Y!

Well, now that patio is clear of toys and junk. I spent some time weeding it today. (almost done!) My plan now is to create some sort of living space there to hold the spot and help it not regress into junkville ever again.

I find myself wondering about these people whose blogs I read who drive off to the library and on their way happen upon an estate sale where they find the most adorable wrought iron table and chairs set that will be just perfect for a niche in their back yard, for the bargain price of $7. I want to know where they live, because I never find such treasures at the yard sales and flea markets I come across.

Around these here parts you can find plenty of ugly bank mugs, mostly-used candles, Christmas tins (with rust inside), old tools (but not cool ones), and a whole lotta clothes. (that usually smell like smoke) Apparently we're a little lacking in cast off vintage coolness in central Kentucky.

On Saturday I took a little mental health break, driving somewhat aimlessly to the town south of mine. I decided to pop into the new Goodwill to see if I could find any treasures. Nope. And even the new Goodwill still has that donated clothes weird smell thing going on.

I will give props to the one yard sale that I saw and checked out. I walked away with a Michael Koors belt (50 cents!), and two cute new purses. (I have recently become a purse enthusiast)

Also, I would like to say that since stopping eating sugar back in March I have now lost 10 pounds. (on top of the 5 that I lost between November and March) And the Michael Koors belt fits me. And also I bought fitted tshirts yesterday at Target, and they do not look bad on me, and I did not have to buy them from the plus size department. Which I am pleased about.

As you can see, it is possible for me to become so busy with life that I give nary a cursory blog post, let alone anything interesting or the least bit well-written for ages upon ages, and then all of the sudden in one night I have a whole bunch of random bloggety goodness to spew out at you.

Sorry. I suppose this is one of the risks of being a regular reader (dare I say fan?!) of this blog.

I haven't thought of my life in blogging perspective for quite some time. It feels really nice tonite to be sharing all of this with you. Maybe I'll be back again before the spell breaks....

Do I amaze you? Only because you know so little about what's going on....

Kat cracked me up tonite with her sweet comment:

Have I ever mentioned my amazement at your energy and creativity? :)

Kat, my friend, I thank you for that. But after the past day/week that I have been having, it seemed ironically, tragically, puzzlingly, insanely laughable. As in, laughing myself into an insane stupor.

Tonite we had a birthday party to celebrate our son's 11th birthday. Although it all went well and he is very, very happy with how his big day went, it was fraught with a bunch of stress and I-feel-like-a-terrible-mother angst.

This year has had me feeling off-the-rails for many reasons. We were hit with a super stressful bunch of crap in November that dragged on and on and only just resolved this month. Christmas shopping was a struggle. I never wrote a Christmas letter or sent out cards or gave anything nice to a single one of our very wonderful neighbors.

In March our "birthday season" rolled around. All of the birthdays at our house fall between March and August. We have one in mid-March, 2 back-to-back in early April, others in April (for extended family), a single birthday for May, June, July, and August. Each birthday seemed to catch me off guard. "Oh crap! Another birthday! What the heck?!" and then I would begin the dance of the overwhelmed mother with no energy or creativity. What to get? What's the budget? Am I too late to order it online? Do we have to have a party?"

Sadly, my feelings about several of these should-be-special days was just great relief at crossing another one off of my list. The pressure felt terrible, I was unprepared, and felt like crap because it's not like I don't have fair warning that everybody gets a birthday every 12 months.

To make matters worse, I totally blanked out on my mom's birthday AND Mother's Day AND my grandmother's birthday. Which is terrible and I still haven't recovered from it. I love my mom and grandmother both a ton. But it was like my brain was broken. I could see the dates away on the horizon and would think, "Hey, I need to think of a gift to send..." and then all of the sudden the day was upon me or past me and I would think, "Shoot! I missed it. And I still have no idea what to get." I guess I could have sent flowers still, and maybe I should have. But it seemed like a cop-out and a lie. Because really I was just too mentally exhausted to think of anything or do anything about it.

For this birthday I had fair warning. These kids start telling me what they want for their birthdays p-l-e-n-t-y far in advance, and I even had a nice itemized list of what Jake wanted for his special day. Finances have been tight, so I was holding off on the purchasing, which meant payday this past Friday. My husband and I decided to do our shopping in The Big City Saturday night, which would include not only a trip to the health food store, but also birthday shopping. As it turned out, I guess my brain power was on low again, because we skipped our chance to go to Toys R Us to look for the stuff, mainly because we also had to go to Walmart and I was confident that we would find the stuff there.

And that was a bad, bad gamble. Because they had neither of the two most-desired gifts that my son wanted. Which was not good.

I was already exhausted, sleep deprived, and stressed from a bunch of other things during the week, and now I had no gifts for my child. And his party was today.

My husband's solution to this was so simply do an IOU sort of thing, and get the stuff for him later. And that just wasn't what I wanted to do. My kid told me well in advance what he wished for, and it was due to our own lack of planning and whatever that we were in this situation. My kid deserved to have actual gifts, not 3x5 cards to dash his hopes of a special new Lego set or cool new game to play with. I was determined to drive back to The Big City on Sunday after church and track down his gifts, by hook or by crook. (and I did)

Well, I could go on and on, but basically, I had plenty of ammunition in my brain to remind me of ways that I feel like I have been failing my kids and not being the kind of mother I want to be. I am sick of being unprepared, being too tired, being behind and late and sorry.

I thought of this mothering manifesto I used to have on my wall back in the olden days before I had 6 kids to homeschool, businesses to run, and a million more business ideas running through my brain. I thought about how so often I feel that I am not doing what I want to be doing and should be doing. And I feel like it is time to get back to the basics around here. No, it won't mean that I'm quitting my businesses. That's important in it's own way and has a worthy place in my life too. But I know that I am off the rails on several fronts that can be repaired and renewed.

Some people would excuse me and say that I have plenty of reasons to not be doing so great. 6 kids! Multiple businesses! Husband works a lot! Whatever! Yes, well those things are true, but I also know that I find plenty of time to waste and avoid doing things that need to be done. Though I will never be a perfect mother or home manager, I can certainly do better than this.

It is nice that sometimes people say very complimentary things to me about what it is that they see of my life. But I am never fooled by other people's opinions of me. There is always a whole lot more going on than the bit that gets revealed. And that's true for all of us. Isn't it?

Buy Handmade Campaign Coming Soon!

You all know that I love etsy and other handmade products. My entire baby boutique is almost exclusively made of mompreneur handmade items!

Well, this year I plan to do a Buy Handmade for the Holidays campaign here as well as on the Baby Boutique Blog. I'm going to feature lots and lots of handmade products and the talented, creative people that bring them to us. My hope is to inspire you and introduce you to some wonderful new businesses to give your business to this year!

If you want to spread the word, please do. I have an intake form set up here for business owners that are interested in having their products considered for the campaign.

This is gonna be fun!

Christian Homemaking Expo

I've got a new project going on: The Christian Homemaking Expo. It'll be happening starting in October, and is going to be a whole lotta fun. If you love to have fresh inspiration for your home, you will love this!

I just got the site set up today and am now working on spreading the word. Bloggers that have an emphasis on homemaking can get involved, in addition to businesses and speakers.

Tell your friends, ok?